“I don’t think of you as a woman”

(Author’s note: this blog is one of a series related to my ongoing gratefulness practice).

I recently had a reason to recall and re-examine an experience I had while working at the advertising agency, Carmichael Lynch. The experience, which happened over twenty years ago, involved an exchange between me and the President, Lou Bacig. At the time, Lou had been President of CL for all of the ten years I had been working there. When I started, there were probably 3 levels separating us, but over time, the agency had grown substantially, and along with it, my level of responsibility. So, now I was reporting directly to Lou and the first and only woman, so far, to have progressed this high in the organization.

Lou was a complicated guy to work for, yet he was also predictable for being focused on the financial aspects of the business. We had developed a good working relationship, based in part, on how I was responsible for a sizable share of the organization’s revenue and profits. For some reason, in a rare moment of reflection, I had decided that it was time for me to express my appreciation for Lou’s support and acknowledge the risks I thought he had taken on my behalf.  While delivering my timid tribute, I remember Lou looking back at me in speechless confusion – at which point I added the words “because I’m a woman.”

In Lou’s typical spirited and emphatic style, he quickly replied back – “But Lisa, I don’t think of you as a woman.”

I remember at the time being somewhat amused and possibly even flattered by his response. But now, looking back, I am wondering if there is something new to learn here? Why did he respond the way he did? What did he mean by that?

Maybe he didn’t like how I characterized his support as risky. Maybe he didn’t want to appear influenced by societal views about women in the workplace. Maybe he was responding to the space I created for him in my narrative – a place that he didn’t want. Or maybe he wasn’t buying my narrative at all. Maybe I was the one who had it wrong in thinking that my success was so closely connected to Lou’s support of me as a woman.

Today, I understand Lou’s response better by taking a systems view, which is something I learned from him. Lou was a great systems thinker. He had developed an intuitive understanding of how the parts of Carmichael Lynch worked together – all the interdependencies, the necessary tensions and quirks, the levers, the checks and balances. He also understood relationships – like those between the different parts of the organization, between CL and other parts of the industry, and between CL and our clients. He had a sense of fairness, valued our work, and always defended the agency from being treated unfairly or being put at an economic disadvantage. He understood that CL’s profits and our long-term success were not the result of any one of these things, but of all of them.

Being a systems thinker was one of the best things I learned from Lou. And, with this perspective, I can better understand why Lou reacted to my comments the way he did. My comments didn’t fit with his view of the system and the way I fit into it at all.

With this, I understand why he didn’t think of me as a woman, but, even better, I understand why I still have many reasons to be grateful to Lou.